Cancer-versary

Happy Cancer-versary to me!!  I remember Nov. 23rd 2010 very well.  That was the day I found out I had a brain tumour.  I was supposed to go for a mid-morning run with my bff Michele, but my brain had other plans.  A seizure.  After an abnormal CT, and a very traumatic MRI, I learned there was a likely malignant tumour in my left frontal lobe.  I had brain surgery on Nov. 26, 2010.  And the rest is history.

This blog as been all about me.  But cancer isn't a one woman show. So this post is my heartfelt thank you.

First and foremost I'd like to thank my family, who made countless sacrifices during my treatment.  Thank you to my Dad, who shared my "it is what it is" attitude, and helped keep my fighting attitude alive.  Thank you to my brother Matt, who could be counted on for comic relief.  And last but not least, thank you to my Momma - even though you're a little crazy, and went ballistic with all your "research", I realize now that that's how you coped.  Your tireless effort to help me get through my treatment is something that has left a mark on my heart.  And thank you for my puppy Ryder, who is so much more than just a dog to me.  I truly believe he kept me healthy  - dog tired (hahaha) but healthy.  Cancer has taught me a lot about the strength and love of my family.  I could not have done this without you.  I am endlessly grateful.  I love you.

To my extended family, thank you for all your support, concern and encouragement.  It was nice to know all of you were rooting for me!

Cancer has also taught me the meaning of true friendship.  Thank you to all my friends who hung in there with me, and fought along side with me.  I couldn't have done this without all of you.

I was able to be strong because my family and friends were strong.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

<3<3<3<3

I am A Survivor

A survivor, as defined by Webster's Dictionary is "a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks."

According to The National Cancer Institute Office of Survivorship says "an individual is considered a cancer survivor from the time of diagnosis, through the balance of his or her life."  Others say a survivor is someone who is still alive five years from last evidence of disease. 

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be a survivor. I don't know if I'm thankful for cancer, I'm not sure I believe cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me, and if I could rewind my life and live it without cancer? Well...that's a tough call.  What I do know about cancer, is that it's been the greatest teacher.   Going through cancer and surviving cancer does something to you.  It forever changes the landscape of your life.  I've learned hard, tough lessons about fear, death, strength, and fighting to overcome the odds. My perspective on life will never be the same.  I've learned the best moment, the best time is right now.  And if you want to go do something do it.  No excuses.  Although it sounds cliche, life is short, so get busy living it. So while, I'm not overly thankful for cancer, and I'm not sure cancer is the best thing that's ever happened to me...I am thankful for it's lessons.  I'm thankful to have this hard-earned new perspective on life - a perspective that most people don't get in their entire lifetime. 

I've also learned there's a fine line between being positive and being realistic.  Cancer can and does come back.  As my oncologist said: "It will continue to become more anaplastic as time goes on, that's just the nature of this disease.  So what do you do now? Live your life."  There's a balance between attacking life without living in fear that the cancer might come back.  You can't live your life in cancer's shadow.   Cancer can and does end lives.  So will I die from brain cancer? Maybe. But maybe not.  Maybe I just won't let it.  So yes, there is a chance my cancer could come back, but I can still live my life and be positive in-spite of that.  Some people have said to me that if you think your cancer might come back, or you think that you might die from cancer that that's being negative.  For me, it's liberating.  Yes, both are possibilities.  I acknowledge that, and I move on.  Am I going to live my life thinking that I'm going to die from cancer? HELL NO.  I've also learned that people overcome remarkable odds. Overwhelming odds.  So if they can do it, I can do it.  I can hope against all odds.  I realized that living my life in fear of cancer, in fear of dying is no life at all.  And if I let that happen then cancer hasn't taught me anything at all...in fact it has won.   

My oncologist also said that these tumours (with favourable genetics) can behave themselves for several years before treatment is needed again.  And that's what he's expecting.  So boo-yah!  He obviously doesn't know who cancer is messing with here!  

For a long time, I wondered what I am going to do once treatment is done?  This past year I've just focused on staying well and getting through the treatment.  And sometimes I feel like I've been given a pass, but it expires at some point.  But then I realized, that I'm going to just simply live life.  You know, business as usual.  And because of cancer, everything I do from here on out, will be more meaningful, even more special, and even more of an accomplishment.  

So cancer, hi, it's me Sarah.  I think we should break up.  It's not you, it's me.  It's just really not working out.  You're kinda controlling and selfish.  Frankly, I don't think we're right for each other.  

"Cancer changes your life, often for the better.  You learn what's important, you learn to prioritize, and you learn not to waste your time.  You tell people you love them.  My friend Gilda Radner (who died of ovarian cancer in 1989 at age 42) used to say, 'if it wasn't for the downside, having cancer would be the best thing and everyone would want it.'  That's true.  If it wasn't for the downside." - Joel Siegel

I am a survivor. 

           

Sometimes Life Isn't What You Think It Ought To Be

One more chemo cycle to go.  I will officially be done a year of treatment on Nov. 21st.  Well the 21st is the last day I take a pill....so technically I guess the 22nd?? Stay tuned for party details.  :)

My 9 mos MRI revealed that everything is still stable. I have another MRI in January. The 21st I think.  I also saw my neurosurgeon, and he had a look at my scans and has cleared me to drive.  I will be seizure free for a year this month.  So I've had my family physician write a note to the ministry of transportation.  Whoohoo for that!!

For all of you who want to know what now....I don't really know.  Medically, since my tumor has responded well to chemo, it's very unlikely they will opt to put me on maintenance chemo.  It's preferable to give my body a rest.  Plus, maintenance chemo has a whole list of nasty side effects.  I will continue to have MRIs every 3 mos.  If I'm clear for a year, then MRIs every 6 mos for a year, and then every year.  Life-wise, I'm still figuring that out, and what it means to have cancer, to be off chemo, move on....am I in remission, can I even say that?? I don't think it's really sunk in that I only have one more cycle to go....I will say this, I am 100% a survivor.   

Finally, my friend Larry passed away on October 27, 2011 after a year long battle with brain cancer.

Even though I did not know him or his family very long, or very well, I felt like we had known each other forever.  Saying goodbye to him was really emotional...he was my buddy...my fellow warrior.  Larry taught me about courage.  True courage.  The kind you can have only if you're faced with a life-threatening illness.  Even when his situation took a turn for the worse, he kept fighting.  He never lost his sense of humor, and his courageous spirit never failed him.  At his funeral, I learned what type of person he was before he got sick, and he was definitely a cool guy....everyone loved him, and had a story about him to share.

So to Larry: wherever you are, I hope you're enjoying a OV, and continuing the party up there. You're funeral was beautiful, I think you would of liked it.  And I know you're so proud of Louise, Luke and Jake.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you...and thank you.  Rest in peace my friend.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance.
They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints in our hearts,
And we are never, ever the same.