I was inspired to write this blog by two other posts I read on PC that really hit home. Ok, so I know I’ve been positive Sally up to this point. But I need to get something things off my chest. As a 25- year old cancer patient, there are a lot of things I think about but don’t necessarily say, because it's kind of depressing. So I’m just going to throw them out there, and hope that maybe some of you can relate.
Some people have said it’s easier if you’re the patient, because as a patient, you do whatever it takes, you find the strength, because at the end of the day, what choice do you have? Cancer is a disease that strips away any sense of control, and I know my family feels helpless. Like any parent, they wishthey could change it, switch places, or control it, and I’m sure this is not at all what they had in mind. Although itmay be “easier” to be the patient, I also indirectly carry the weight of my family.
I have THE greatest friends any girl could ask for. Hands down. However, I feel completely isolated from my closest friends. I feel like I’m on another planet – Planet Cancer. Hahaha. Some get it, and others miss the point entirely. It’s frustrating when I feel like I have to spell it out (to anyone) at least 15 times: “I have cancer. I can’t take an advil, and be better in 3 months. I’m fighting like hell, because cancer CAN kill, and my cancer is aggressive.” Maybe I should get a t-shirt or something, or tattoo it on my forehead. I know everyone is well intentioned, but as a cancer survivor put it so perfectly, I find myself praying they never do have to know.
My friends are going to bed at night thinking about school, exams, and boys, and I’m going to bed at night thinking whether or not I’m going to be around to raise my kids. At 25, who the hell wants to munch on that pleasant tidbit? Simple pleasures in life that everyone takes for granted: Having a career, a sweet ass condo, getting married, having kids, grandkids…are now precious life milestones. If someone would have asked me a year ago, do you plan to have kids? I would have said of course, duh. Just like other girls my age. Now that has become a fight. At 25, cancer is trying to take things from me. Let’s take a beak from doom and gloom for a moment, I’m not saying I’ll never have a career, get a sweet single-lady pad, get married, or have kids. In fact, I've already decided that cancer is not going to take those things from me. I will have all those things. My point is I have to fight like hell for them. It’s just more complicated now.
Another sore spot: healthy people with normal lives. I’m at that age where it seems as though everyone and their dog are moving on with their lives: getting jobs, buying, houses, getting engaged, and getting married. Blah, blah, blah. This makes me angry, and sad. This may sound harsh, but of course I am genuinely happy for them. Of course. I am a nice person, really. And it’s not so much an issue of jealously, it’s about me missing, mourning my old life. Before cancer, I wanted, and was looking forward to all those things too. Before cancer, I was focused on getting a job, moving out, getting a puppy (a life long dream!), and hitting the town with friends, and soaking it all in…talk about back burner. My focus now is beating cancer. My “new” normal now consists ofMRI scans, being bffs with my oncology team, and taking 28 pills a day. Who in their right mind would want that? Forget it! I know eventually I’ll get back there. I’ll get back to “normal”. And I know I’ll have all the things I had planned before all of this. And I look forward to that. But I still get angry over a life that so quickly changed – cancer didn’t even ask my permission. Rude.
So to all of you “normal, healthy” people: take nothing for granted. Don’t waste time being angry about the small things – it’s not worth it. Ever. Trust me. Be thankful for your health, because without it, you have nothing. Tell the people closest to you that you love them. And every time you do something as simple as brush your hair, go for a run, or have beer at the bar, take a moment.
To be clear: I AM getting on with my life. I AM looking for a job (I’m thinking Peter Munk Cardiac Center). I AM going to get a condo (I’m thinking Toronto Beaches). I AM going to get a dog (Feedo – My Mom thought this was the correct pronunciation of “Fido”). I AM going to get married (Groom: TBA. Now accepting applications) and I WILL have kids (dependent on previous). Cancer will not bring me to my knees. FigNewton, in case you didn’t know, you’re not paying rent, so get the %&*$ out! Much appreciated, Sarah.
I’d like to end this rant by saying that I know I have a good prognosis, and I am beyond thankful. I’m thankful for that everyday. I know there are people out there who are battling and fighting much worse, and that keeps me fighting. I’m lucky to have the chance at a “normal” life.
