Audios 2011!!

It's the holiday season (Mother Nature, would it be so hard to give us some snow?), and it's that time when people reflect on the past year.  So here are my reflections: 1. 2011 was the year I got brain cancer. Go me. 2. I have an amazing family - immediate and extended, 3. I love my Ryder puppy, and 4. I have some (key word) shitty, shitty friends.

Now number 4 is probably one of the hardest lessons cancer has taught me.  It may seem harsh.  But that ladies and gentlemen is the truth.  Let me explain.  First of all this makes me angry.  So angry in fact that I could just punch someone.  I've learned that in times of crisis, you learn what people are really made of...who they really are.  And I'm not sure I like what I see.  I've read countless cancer survivor stories, and there's a common theme:  Every single one of them learned the true value of friendship, and were forced to re-evaluate the people in their lives and their priorities.  And it's no different for me.  The people I thought were going to really be there for me weren't, and then there were those people who came out of the woodwork, surprised me, and stepped up to the plate.

So dear friends: While I respect that everyone deals with a cancer diagnosis differently, I don't think asking for friends to be friends is all that much to ask.  I'm not asking for people to drop everything for me, to come spend every waking moment with me, or anything else completely ridiculous.  Just be a friend you know?  I also respect that people are busy, and maybe cancer isn't on their radar.  Completely fair.  But cancer is on my radar, and that deserves equal respect.  And my point still stands.  Life is about priorities, and I've learned that in some cases, I'm not one of them.  I guess you can't control the choices people make right?  And if those people aren't going to show up, then ditto baby. Ditto.

For instance, how many of my friends really, truly know how I'm doing? The answer to that would be 2.  Maybe some people think because I'm done chemo the race is won? Well it's not.  Here's some cancer fun facts: I'm more terrified now then I've ever been.  I have to figure out how to live with cancer... and what I'm learning is that it's damn tough...I'm only 26.  No I'm not dying today... but I also would prefer not to die young.   Sometimes I still get angry over the whole thing...like sit on the shower floor and cry kind of angry.  Sometimes I get so tired of constantly having to rebalance my life. Sometimes I want my old life back so badly it hurts.  Oh, and it's likely my cancer will come back.

If you ever have a friend that faces a crisis, my advice would be to be there. Really be there.  Let that person know you're in their corner.  That you have their back.  Hell, sit down with that person and tell them exactly that.  Actions speak louder than words.  

To those people that have really been there, and stepped up, I'm so so grateful for you and I love you.

Another question for the masses: Do I say I have cancer or I have had cancer?

Update: First post-chemo scan is Jan. 21st.